When you love someone, either family-love or lover-love, everything that special someone says is always deeply etched inside our heart. Nothing can tell us if they are right or wrong since everything said by them is always right in my heart. 2 people.. My mother and my 3-years boyfriend. The 2 very people I would be willing to die for.
MY mother – she denies me of my freedom by asking me to be the head of the house.. To be the most responsible kid among my siblings and then depending on me to make sure everything in the house goes right or according to her wishes. When I wanted to stop being the head of the house to play and enjoy my life, I would be abused emotionally. Being accused of all the sins in the world – selfish, greedy, unfilial, and so many more. I have did so many things that any mother would be proud of – getting into a good university, getting grades of As and Bs, coming up tops in class, being the head of my CCA… But no! Nothing I ever did was good enough for her. As I grow older, I fight even harder to try and win her affection but this only made her use me even more to do things she wants me to do and stop me from doing the things that I want / yearn to do. And every time, I did something that I yearn for, she would tell me things that would really hurt my heart. Stuff that would be same as stabbing a knife through my heart. But time and time again I forgave her knowing that she is my mother and she should know what is best for me, no matter how unreasonable or irrational she is. Why?! Cause I love her.
My boyfriend – He is a wonderful man. He loves me and showers me with love and care and attention. Something I can never get from my family since I am the middle child and therefore can be entrusted with high levels of responsibilities. My boyfriend cares for me so much that he can feel the pain I get from my mother and my family. But sometimes, he just tend to hurt me more with the truth and also with the fact that I am just a puppet for everyone. As time goes by, he tends so neglect me too… tend to think that I am old enough to deal with the emotional hurt I am getting and change to prevent myself from getting hurt. But he does not seem to realise that while it is necessary to change myself to protect myself, I cannot do this in just a day or in a week. It has to take time. I am weak. I admit this. Weak towards people whom I really care for. Because I crave for love and attention, I turn towards animals – my dogs, as they give love to you unconditionally. Even after the pain you caused them, they still love you and forgive you. I need him now even more than ever to stay by my side to guide me through. But instead he said that he isn’t helping and is not making a difference. He also said that I am still obligated to everyone around me.
Does that mean that I am also obligated to love him? To stay by his side? Maybe? I don’t know.. I want this emotional hurt to stop.. I rather get slapped, punched or kicked or stabbed than receive the emotional hurt.
I wonder what is my life. What is it that I should do to just be happy? Should I just leave?? I don’t mind what others say about me. I have been backstabbed my entire life by people I thought were my friends. I guess I just never learn and fully understand the cruel reality of people’s hearts. Right now, I can only wish for my happyness. To try and pursuit something that seems so near and yet so far.
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Footnote:
I did not fight with my boyfriend. LOL!!
