Bittersweet August 31, 2008

Maybe I am healing a bit. Maybe I am not. Everywhere I go, I see couples holding hands, sharing kisses and getting intimate. I feel happy for them. Smiling and secretly wishing the girl to hold on to what she has right now and not be so stupid like me to blow them away because of the reasons. Seeing their happy faces and secret smiles for each other, I think back to just last week when we were still together, the smiles on our faces, the stupid laughing we did on the cab to that fateful event, the way we irritated the uncle with the giggling and the stupid lame jokes. Bittersweet memories.. I would never exchange these memories for anything else in the world. Nothing at all.

I think the students in JC have it good. Especially how their world seem to be centred around the guy/girl they see everyday. Were we like that then? Were we always happy and having nothing to worry about? I guess not… We were too caught up in what will be… like whether where we will stay, how about his studies, if we will have time in the future, etc.. Only last month when we almost broke, did I realise the importance of today – the present. I started then, to change all that I could. But I was moving too slowly for the change to take effect. But even so, I guess it was already too late to amend the damage done.

I envy him actually, to be able to stay at home and sleep in till very late, to make the days even shorter such that he does not need to think. To be always in camp that only when he bookout then he can see such scenes. Envy him with such a wonderful sister and mum, that no matter what will support him, not to forget his friends as well.

I so wish we can turn back time.. But as life, if anything, is nothing short of regrets and lessons, I must walk on till our paths converge at a point we can meet and talk over a cuppa tea as he said..

Driving August 30, 2008

I have decided that the first step I want to take in order to move on, is to learn driving. I think I will apply learn how to drive an automatic car. I don’t think i can handle a manual car, after all from what I hear him say about half clutch etc..

Can someone tell me what are the steps I should take to learn driving? Like registering or something?

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Starting again… August 29, 2008

Today I went to see him again. This time to tell him how I really feel inside. What ever I told him seem to not have made any difference. But he was not all heartless. He did not chase me away from his house at all. Thankfully.

Managed to share how I really feel with him for one last time. To just cry and tell him everything and ask why why why.. at least I managed to share that one last special moment with him. I hope I can keep to my promise and just move on, to grow up and mature enough for that one special day when we finally meet as friends. Maybe then, we will be able to move on together as one. Hopefully he will wait..

But right now, I will be moving on as myself, for myself. I know he has moved on and is moving on. I understand the decision he has to make is hard and harder to tell me. I love him, will love and always love him. I thank him for being there always for me.

A fresh start and hopefully one that will bring us back together.

Good luck in your job, Jensen.. **

And thank you friends for all your concern..

You’ll Always be My baby August 26, 2008

I would like to dedicate this song to Jensen. I just want to say that no matter what happens on Thursday, I will still be glad I was part of your life for these 3 years. Enjoy and thank you. May you find happiness.. Till we are fated to be again..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You’ll Always be My baby (Mariah Carey lyrics)

(do do do dop)
(do do doop do doop da dum)
(do do doop dum)
(do do doop do doop da dum)
(repeat)

we were as one babe
for a moment in time
and it seemed everlasting
that you would always be mine
now you want to be free
so I’m letting you fly
cause i know in my heart babe
our love will never die,no!

you’ll always be a part of me
i’m a part of you indefinitely
boy don’t you know you can’t escape me
ooh darling cause you’ll always be my baby
and we’ll linger on
time can’t erase a feeling this strong
no way you’re never gonna shake me
ooh darling cause you’ll always be my baby
(do do doop)
(do do doop do doop da dum)
(do do doop dum)
(do do doop do doop da dum)

i ain’t gonna cry no
and i won’t beg you to stay
if you’re determined to leave boy
i will not stand in your way
but inevitably you’ll be back again
cause ya know in your heart babe
our love will never end no
you’ll always be a part of me
i’m part of you indefinitely
boy don’t you know you can’t escape me
ooh darling cause you’ll always be my baby
and we’ll linger on
time can’t erase a feeling this strong
no way you’re never gonna shake me
ooh darlin cause you’ll always be my baby

i know that you’ll be back boy
when your days and your nights get a little bit colder ooohhh
i know that,you’ll be right back, baby
oh, baby believe me it’s only a matter of time
of time

you’ll always be a part of me (oooohhhh)
i’m part of you indefinitely (oooohhhh)
boy don’t you know you can’t escape me (ooooohhhhhh)
ooh darlin cause you’ll always be my baby
and we’ll linger on (and we will linger on)
time cant erase a feeling this strong (ohhhh)
no way you’re never gonna shake me (oh baby)
ooh darlin cause you’ll always be my baby

you’ll always be a part of me (yeah yeah oooohhhh)
i’m part of you indefinitely (oooohhhh)
boy don’t you know you can’t escape me (ooooohhhhhh)
ooh darlin cause you’ll always be my baby (no no)
and we’ll linger on (you and I will always be)
time cant erase a feeling this strong
no way you’re never gonna shake me (you & I)
ooh darlin cause you’ll always be my baby (you & I)

(do do doop)
(do do doop do doop da dum)
(do do doop dum)
(do do doop do doop da dum)

you and i will always be
no way your never gonna shake me
no way your never gonna shake me
you and i will always be

Irony August 24, 2008

My life is going down the drain but my shop business is starting to pick up.. especially when I would right now give anything to make things right

——————————–

Edited: (10.14pm)

Forgive me friends if I do not reply tags or comments.

I saw this from Shaun’s blog.

10 things i hate about you.

I realised that no matter how I say I will hate him or no matter how much I tell myself that I hate him, it never is true. Especially when hating will only hurt even more than loving. I realise that I don’t ever say things like I don’t like or I dislike. I always say I hate or I love. Nothing less than that.

10 5 3 things I hate about him:

I hate him when he always breaks his promise

I hate him when he makes me cry

I hate him when he does not care about how I really feel

I hate him when he makes me laugh till my tummy ached

I hate him when he is right about everything about me

Yet I still find that my hate is not even a hate. It is just how I will think at the time of when such things happened. I never can hate him for real. I can only love. At the end of the day I will come to realise that he is right and I am wrong.. And I will feel blessed and loved after thinking it through. But I will never be able to tell him this anymore. Cause to prepare for the worse is all I can do, any glimmer of hope and I will hope till my heart expands with love.. But with each day, my heartache increases till that final day when the dam unleashes.

I love him despite his bullying ways. I love him despite his laziness.. I love him despite his carefree-ness.. I love him despite his expectations of me. I just love him.

Preparation for the inevitable August 24, 2008

I will be appearing offline from now till “judgment” day.. If anyone wants to discuss things with me, just msn me and if I am around I will reply you. Sorry.. I just want to isolate myself from all things hopeful. Don’t wanna get my hopes up and send them crashing through space and time all over again. Will always remember that no matter what happens I have to accept it.

Inferiority August 23, 2008

I just want to say that I am as hopeless in love as those who claim they are. My love life is all going down the drain. I realised that I am feeling very very inferior about myself and no matter how good people say I am, I still feel the same. Especially in Jensen eye’s.. I know that he thinks that I am perfect and already so so much better than other girls.. But I just cannot help feeling like other girls I see are much prettier than me, much more confident than me. I spent most of my savings on lingerie cause they make me feel very very good about myself. They make me feel really sexy and gives me high self-esteem. But on the outside, I feel super inferior.

I don’t look like it, do I? To most of the people I know, I may seem super confident and full of self-esteem. I am not like that at all. Jensen says that every time I start feeling inferior I will start acting weird, trying to cover up my inferiority by saying things that are not like me at all. I seem to lose the side of self when I compare myself with other girls. No I don’t compare myself with other models or actress but rather girls of the same age as me. I look at their style of fashion – clothes, shoes and appearance.

I look at their smile and all their physical looks as well as their brains. I just feel inferior.. No matter how I still feel like I cannot be compared to them. I hate this feeling and I know I always make Jensen feel distant and just ignore me when I am in times like this. I wish I can tell him how I feel about all these.. Right now I feel even worst than yesterday. Cause things are not going well between me and Jensen. We are at the stage that is so risky that there is a chance we might just break up for good. Will we? I really hope not.

But yet Jensen is right. We are having many problems and we are starting to drift apart even more than ever in terms of how we think. Jensen has mature and I? I think I did not change much. Still changing and trying to break free from my family but stress keep coming back to me and I am back to square 1.

I wish… If only I am more confident and all… Then maybe I will have the courage to tell Jensen everything I am keeping inside of me. Just maybe…

… Not thinking not going to think about what will happen when we finally meet up to talk. Should start Preparing for the worse. Shouldn’t I? Maybe… I don’t know.. Don’t know at all… Perhaps being alone can give me the chance to change and be independent for my sake…

=(

Fireworks!! August 23, 2008

I skipped tutorial to go watch the FIREWORKS with JENSEN!! I never regretted it but only the horrible problems that came up before the fireworks and after the fireworks. I love the fireworks! SO pretty!! I love the kinds that after they ‘opened’ will just fall like gold dust in the velvet dark sky. Looks so much like the Universe or the stars with their pretty colours. I so want to indulge in them and never let them stop. SO want to just catch some falling dust and keep them to remember the wonderful and peaceful and happy times. Something that I can just look at and remember that there is always something so pretty in life.

Either way, I love the fireworks but I hate myself for having a low self-esteem.

Horribly wrong August 21, 2008

Everything is going all wrong wrong wrong.

First of all, when I switch my computer on in the morning, my wireless assistant just went busted. There was no signal and just nothing! Now I have to connect to the internet using the cable. Manx, I have only been using the computer for a year and now this happens. I think Compaq computers are really not that reliable for long term and frequent use. Haix..

Next is my phone! I downloaded 2 games earlier to my phone paying $6.42 per game downloaded, and I could play the games right after downloading. But the moment I exited the games and tried to play them again, they disappeared from my phone!! Including all the other applications like converter and face warp. Manx!! I am so so fed up! Paid a total of close to $13 and now my games are missing! Darn!!

Last but not least, my family!! Everyone is all just adding more stress for me. -.- It’s just too much for me to take. I must not only handle my studies but also take care of my family esp my ungrateful youngest sister. !*@&*! I have a life to live and yet I am tied down to my family who treats me like a piece of shit!

In conclusion! LIFE SUCKZ!

To drop or to keep? August 14, 2008

I am really confused right now. Should I drop both electives, keep one or take both? If I were to drop electives, would I be able to finish my course in time? If I were to keep one, which one should I keep? If I were to take both, would I be able to cope with my studies?

Haix.. I wish I had a stroke of luck that allows be to take an easy course as well as let me be able to score in it… Symmetry and Crystals – hard to grasp the concept but once you do everything will be super easy; best to find another partner too..

Asian Film History – movies galore.. projects galore too? Don’t know anything about this..

I need a sign!! But somehow every time I get home to drop it I just seem to miss the timings.. Is this a sign?

Asian Film History August 12, 2008

Just got it and wondering if I should keep it.. =S I haven’t been for a single class yet, so I am not sure if I should keep it.. *Puzzled*

Happy National Day!! August 9, 2008

I heart the men in uniform.. Hehe..

Anyways I am happy for Singapore!! Happy 43rd Independence Day Singapore!! (I don’t understand why people say happy 43rd birthday Singapore when she was founded many years before this and existed many billions years ago but only gained independence on this date 43years ago.)

But even so, I am glad I am a Singaporean.. =)

First week August 8, 2008

It’s almost nearing the end of first week of school.. Everything is great!

Today I even met Wan Lin, my secondary school classmate. SO surprised to see here at outram MRT station! She looks pretty! =) I mean it okie!! We chatted a bit before she had to alight at Farrer Park. She’s currently working at G.H as a nurse.. =) Lucky for her!! Hehe..

Anyways, today my student told me that she passed her maths common test! SO proud!! After all those lessons! At least she learned something and is able to use the new knowledge and apply to the questions.. Jia you okie?! =)

Over all its a happy week!

~~~~~~~~~~

An irritating thing happened.. Stupid internet connection kept giving problems and had a stupid ugly cockroach on my bed which even PLAYED DEAD after i smacked it non-stop with a newspaper roll for the first time! Urgh!

I utterly detest cockroaches..

Year 2 day 1 August 4, 2008

First day as a second year student. Nothing much to say except that I saw my secondary school mate! She’s in the same course and same year as I am!! Also she is in the same tutorial class as I am!! Such a coincidence! It’s been like 3 years since we last met.. Manx.. So happy that I saw her.. Hahas.. At least now things are going to be more interactive and more fun in school instead of everyone being muggish.. Hahas..

Also after class today I went to meet Raymond at Marina Square to makan lunch and at the same time to look for a Coffee Club to try his recommendation – Mud Pie.. -.- We kinda over walked and got unlucky in looking for the Coffee Club.. I don’t want to describe it here.. It is so so so -,-///

Hahas.. Anyways I did manage to eat the mud pie and I love the Coffee Club’s Ice Passion Tea! Nice! But ex.. headed back after that filling tea and met my dad at Hougang Mall before heading off somewhere for dinner.. Was not back home in time for the Add and Drop period but it doesn’t matter anyway, since I have decided to take Symmetry and Crystals and just drop the Media in America.. I hope I am still able to get an AHSS elective. Hopefully by the end of the first week of Add and Drop I would have settled my electives for this semester..

Looking forward to everyday..

Missing Jensen a lot.. Hope he knows and won’t feel distant