Cui~~ February 28, 2009

Amanda is very very very stressed! I have 2 projects due and a virology quiz coming up next week, starting with the quiz first. And for this recess week, I have done nothing but watch anime and being emo-shit. From Monday until now, I am just lost lost lost! Though some good things happened, like getting a professor to attach to for BS901 (research exercise), Sparky recovering nicely from her operation (sterilisation & growth removal from breast) and being indulged by friends… Many bad things seem to be happening to me still.. Monday incident will never change and this has been getting to me ever since.. Especially when I am living under the same roof with the involved.

Because of the incident, all my emotions went downhill from there. I can’t concentrate on my studies, I can’t really enjoy being at home anymore. I just wanna get out.. yet I can’t leave behind my doggies. [Cody is back on adoption.. I cannot take care of her on my own **sobs )= **]

I wish I can have a happy life.. I need to stop being stressed and caught up in so many matters.. I have to indulge in sweetness and comfort food. (I will get fatter) Haix.. I am so CUI~~~

Gotta get back to mugging for virology quiz.. Hate viruses!

Happening February 25, 2009

Many events occurred during this Recess week. Many if not all of them are bad. I lost the feeling happy. I just wish to escape and live happily for this life time, but yet all the things that happened to me are not allowing me to do so.

Seriously speaking, the more I am home alone, the more I don’t wanna leave. But then when things happened, and I get pulled into it, I just cannot take it. Perhaps, I have grown very used to being alone and taking care of myself. Haix… I just wish that was a better way into things.

Protected: Leaving February 23, 2009

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-,- February 19, 2009

I think just ignore the first point of the previous post.

Anyways I have finally completed my HL813 assignment! =) Finally it’s good riddance of the stupid abstract assignment to “What is Cinema”. I even decorated the report for him. Lol.. Cause it pleases me to do so instead of trying to get more marks.. hehe..

I am so lost at what to do for my research exercise. Who can I attach to?

=X

Screwed February 18, 2009

I am lost again..

Why?

1. I am jealous (surprise)
2. I am stressed from rushing my elective assignment.
3. I am still lagging behind in school work
4. An incident that happened early this month, made me keep things to myself again => I didn’t express my thoughts and feelings to Jensen properly
5. I let my emotions rule my thinking => Not being rational
6. I just pissed Jensen of with point #1.
7. I want to quit school but I also want to do well in school – ( CONTRADICTORY)
8. I am lost in school in everything that is going on; ABP’s research exercise..
9. etc

So now I don’t know what I should do first to clear my inner turmoil of feelings. I know I was wrong to keep them inside and then later bit by bit let them out. It’s so wrong.. I would be like before which means I will break my promise to myself to be happy.

I need a SPA or a facial! I need a whole body massage or rather 2-3 days free of tuition and stress…

Diet February 17, 2009

I need to diet! For real real! I need to go running, go exercise and go eat stuff that are not too filling! I need to go on intensive tummy tightening exercises! I need to sleep early! I need a discipline to be able to keep to what I need. Argh

Green February 16, 2009

Never in my life have I hated the colour green. But now, I just wish I wasn’t that particular colour at all. Haix.. Sorry J for causing the problems and all… I need to get a grip soon.. Hopefully by tomorrow. Haix…

Sweet Indulgence! February 15, 2009

My V’day was spent here, doing this, and having this..

Thanks for this wonderful day, dear… I truly have been spoilt.

Photos up tomorrow! Sleep first.. =)

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Edited: 15th Feb 2.40pm

Photos uploaded onto Facebook!

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=63517&id=672506867&l=3bc9b

By the By, Sweet Indulgence is really a nice place to eat with someone special. The food is not oily, not that salty and not too bland. The 4 course meal that Jensen and I ate did not make either of us feel like it was too much or too filling, and the menu that was put together for the V’day menu was perfect. Each course was carefully pieced and the food was awesome. The mushroom soup we had first helped us curb some of our hunger but not enough to make us too full. Then this is followed by the Turkey and Ham Combo.. The mixture of saltiness, sweetness, sourness are combined really well to prep us for the main course.

Jensen had the grilled Rib Eye while I had the baked Seabass. Both were delicious! Jensen’s rib eye was yummy, and I think its not bad an experience of one who is tasting her first steak. =) My seabass was accompanied by a sour yet sweet mango (i think) sauce. Ooooh, just thinking back on the dinner is enough to make my mouth water. x,x

Dessert was even better, Strawberries, apples, Vanilla Ice Cream, Molten Chocolate Lava…. **Dreamy**

There was even a Valentine’s day drink! Jensen had the Screwdriver (cocktail) and I the Cherry Ale (mocktail)…

*swoons* I just realised how much Jensen and I can link… I just mentioned briefly about this restaurant and he remembered I wanted to go there, plus when looking for dinner location, he also ‘fell in love’ with the place googling for places to eat. =) Happy!

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Thanks J for the dinner and the fluffy cotton robe and BF shirt. =)

Black Friday = V’day? February 13, 2009

Today is one of the many black Fridays we would be having this year, as well as a day for us to spend with friends in school celebrating Valentine’s day before the week’s out. Friends exchanging chocolates, roses, paper flowers, tulips, special dedications on the message board, etc, etc, etc…

It felt like the actual day itself, 14th February. I joined my friends after school to ValenWine, which is a wine and chocolate fair, for you to taste as well as purchase the wines or chocolates you prefer. Too bad I never got to taste the Reisling White wine (my favourite) and also the dessert wine. =( all the lovely, smooth sweet wines seem to be a seller there! But still I had fun, I love white wine more than red wine.. =X Don’t know how to explain but I guess different people have different taste…

After an hour or so, and many sips from different kinda wines, I made my way home… Perfectly sober but mentally fuzzy. How I know?! cause I ended up sms-ing Jensen the most ridiculous moody sms ever which can prove to be a mood spoiler. Lol! I seriously have a weird reaction to all things lovely, e.g. when I drink good coffee –> I will sleep; if I drink alcohol –> I will babble non-stop happily before sinking into depression regardless of whether I am drunk or not; if I eat wanton mee –> I must stop eating after a few mouths or I will vomit and pass out for the rest of the day… Super weird..

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Mood spoiler >>

Haven’t touched much on work.. V’day is tomorrow, and my celebration is on Friday, but my assignments are due on the following Tuesday and Friday. I have late classes on Monday, Tuesday having tuition, Wednesday to rush abit, Thursday having tuition as well, Friday elective assignment due. DARN!! I am screwed! Haix… How to enjoy the day?

Tomorrow must mug my heart out first! arghs! ULTIMATE MOOD SPOILER ON V’DAY!!

GONNA “CUDDLE” WITH MY STUPID NOTES TOMORROW! darnit

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Oh ya, the guy that I thought hated me, yesterday gave me a tissue rose at the MRT station when I was still in Zombie mood… In addition, from the time when I knew he hated me till this semester, we only greeted as in HI_BYE. But now, its like we greet and we continue a conversation. Erm, what is going on? So confused… Am I his friend or am I his enemy? (By the by, the reason of him hating me then  was/is not known ’cause I only conversed with him once before I realised he hated me… and the conversation was only on the good and bad of JC and Poly eduation back in Year 1)

????????

Philosophy February 9, 2009

Today I had my HL813 elective lecture, and the “prof” showed us a documentary on this guy – Derrida.. He studies the philosophy of many other philosophers namely Aristole and Hegal. It was kinda boring to tears as it was hard to understand the French in the Documentary but yet it was kinda enlightening. There was this discussion in the documentary between him and one of a student on forgiveness. What is pure forgiveness? Do you forgive someone because of the action of reconciliation? or Do you forgive someone solely because you wanna heal your wound or change the situation? If you forgive someone under such context then this isn’t pure forgiveness or rather it is not even forgiveness in any sense. In fact this is just the process of reconciliation instead, since any form of pure forgiveness is impossible as it is tied to many other processes and aspects of life.. And moreover, under what conditions do we forgive? And here comes the context of who and what…

This guy was asked to talk about love and he said this,(not really the exact words) “to love.. is a matter of who and what; i.e. do you love someone singularly and absolutely, or do you love the qualities of that particular person? Is the love you have for that person or for the things he/she does? And when love “dies” it is usually the things that people did such and such instead of how you loved that person from the beginning”

Anything or everything always goes into the context of “WHO” and “WHAT”…

I realised that I learnt alot from this course, though the “prof” don’t seem like a one, he dresses like you and me when we go to University, and his lessons seem to be just a conversation of “crap”. But the crap all have abstract meaning attached to them…

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This lesson has made me realise the reason to just let go, if ultimately in the end things are as they are I should let them be. Things are fixed but the people involved around the things are flexible… Forgiving just for the sake of forgiving is ridiculous. It has to be meaningful and to be honest (not perceived honesty).

Have decided that bygones are bygones.

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Before wrapping things up, from what my prof said, the key to a successful relationship is “PERCEIVED HONESTY” and not honest honesty cause the latter might get you into as much trouble as no honesty at all. I agree with him, what about you all??

FU-QI? February 8, 2009

Random title, random post on random feelings. Just came back from Hui Yu’s Celebration, and really happy for her! Lol, though that would mean I would be reaching the same age as her soon. Magical 21..

I can’t remember who asked this earlier… “Hui Yu, how does it feel like to be 21?” This got me thinking, what has age gotta do with the way people think and the way people act? Does growing old every year make us more mature, or the actions that we do each day?? How can we justify that our mind grow wiser with each year? Does the way we think get influenced by the age we are? And what about birthdays?! Do they signal the coming of age into adulthood, (or any other hood), or is the day itself like any other normal day… i.e. a date in a year, a day in a week… What is the excitement of being 16, 18 or even 21? What about 50, 60 etc? I can understand the big deal about the latter since the older you are, it means you have more “experience” in life, having witnessed the coming and going of many events.

Perhaps, one day I would also be able to witness the coming and going of super loads events.. A skeptic about the age relationship to wisdom, yes… but I do believe that we grow wiser each day instead.

Anyways, I brought my camera to the celebration, which is a good thing, so photos would be uploaded soon, if I feel up to it, (or……). Dinner at Sofra was interesting, and I had a plate of fish swimming in Chili sauce, which is nice yet spicy yet filling… Jensen’s one was almost the same though his had prawns and also cheese.. I love the turkish bread, but I doubt I would be going there again, the food is really EX! Cake from bakerzin was yummilous, mayhap, I might choose my cakes from there for my B’day which would be a simple quiet affair..

desperately need a closure on this issue asap before i do sth stupid.. bloody misunderstanding.. arghs!

EXTRA February 7, 2009

I have moved on and lived life as I can despite the many feelings and dilemmas.. In fact, what I really feel deep down inside is a mixture of resentment, guilt as well as anger, though all three have somewhat quenched a little. =)

I prefer to stay happy and appreciate the things I have ever since the start of this year. It has made my very very happy.. I love the me now, open happier and more carefree. I am not afraid to speak my mind though it might land me into some sort of trouble.. I still believe in the power of trust, friendship and love. I rather have these than the many things that would give me power over anyone.

However, I know that my character is highly contradictory and even the one who claims to read my like a book also know that I am unpredictable.. For example, he is already preparing for a battle that I end up throwing him my PMS-ing moods. I can’t blame him and really am happy that he is willing to understand me another step further… I can’t seem to say the right words to express the very feelings from the bottom of my heart.

Another situation is that I realised I am rather easy to be unliked by my peers as well as to end up holding conversations with them. I have this Uni mate of mine, who hated me back in Year 1 (for some unknown reason – I talked to him once), and even claimed that I am his numero uno enemy.. But apparently, he is now greeting along the walkways, holding conversations with me.. I am seriously baffled, am I his friend or his enemy?

TAlking about which, I would prefer people to tell me they hate me than go one big round and get their message across.. SO if you hate me, at least I can try to minimise unneccesary contact with you, if not, then I will just act as per normal like you had no such feelings of me. Which would only seem to hurt my feelings more and later yours, cause I so HATE (I use a strong word) people who obviously hate you but just never say so, as in the end I MIGHT end up doing it back to you just twice the times. Scary right? But this is how I feel.. lol

*Yawn* everyone sleeping already, but here I am still writing nonsense, trying to gear my mood for tomorrow’s first attempt at my elective essay. Translation, reality, truth and space…. All seem so appropriate at this moment in time..

Exactly how much of what I translated from my heart feelings into words (above crap) are the truth and reality of things? Just how much have I written in my entire web journal to be truth and is this an absolute truth? Space and reality seems harder to explain, but….. ( darn lost of thoughts)

One random note before ending off: My guy friend in Uni said this, when asked why he is still so thin (onli about 52kg),even after eating each of the meal serving the size of 2 meals,  “Just use your brain more by 胡思乱想 and engaging your mind more in random matters.” hahas.. I hear this, so now I am 胡思乱想 at the moment, enjoying my time in school and thinking all the nutty stuff of life.. Hopefully I can lose some pounds through this method….

Haoooo February 6, 2009

I want to clarify the situation, I want to clear things up, let you know that I am not the kinda person you think I am. But yet again, I have no idea how I would react to the way you are reacting… What I knew, I have known for years, if I am the sort you think I am then, all that I knew would have been all out in the society long ago. If am I what you think I am, then I would not even bother trying to help… Perhaps you might think that I am adding more problems by helping, this I apologise. If you must know, your friendship is precious…

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Many things going through my head and many feelings as well.. Some good some bad.. I just hope this whole matter would reach its closure soon… Oh well… I am glad for having him and friends around me. I must jia you! Hmmm…

p.s. is skip beat nice?

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THANKS & HAPPY CNY~ S1ians always! February 1, 2009

Thanks everyone who listened to my sad sob story, but don’t worry! I promised myself this year to be happy and be more proactive in living my happy life! SO I WON’T LET THIS GET MY DOWN! But you guys are the best!! I really don’t regret getting into SRJC in the first place!! Thanks all of you!!