Scanned through my very old blog posts dated way back in 2005 onwards. I realised something has changed. I don’t know what it is but maybe I could say that I have become less naive and less innocent in retrospects to back then. In the past, we had all those fun and loving memories where everything simple is enough to make us smile and be happy. But now, it is as if the same things are no longer good enough. I know that I still like small little things and I know that as long as he makes an effort, I will always treasure it. But perhaps, what has changed is this. Is it the growing up from 16 to 21 that has changed us, or is it that being in a relationship for too long has made things such? Comparing now and then, it is as if he has drifted further away. Maybe it’s the NS, maybe it’s the times when he went out to work, the idea that money is now the calling card. I don’t know…

Honestly, I would give anything to go back to those days of happiness, but perhaps not at the expense of my fragile heart. In the past, we lived for that day that time, and not bothered about the future. Now, whatever we did, would more or less make us think of the future and IF we can even survive the days living together as a married couple. A bit too far-fetch, but I guess that was how he thinks.

But what good comes of thinking of all these now. It is obvious that he has given up before he has tried, and what good will come of it? I stopped trying to make things right, deciding to play a waiting game, but I guess even waiting will do no good. Guess I will really have to let go soon…

He says he needs to get over this faster before I find someone new.. But I think, it is I that needs to get over this sooner, because he has started going out with friends, having great times while I am here, going home every night to mug then sleep with the same old routine everything.

But as I read from a novel, “When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade”.  Guess it’s time to stop living in the past.

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You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl…No…No
No broken-hearted girl
I’m no broken-hearted girl

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would’ve walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl…No…No
No broken-hearted girl

Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be…Oooo
I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…yeah
Ain’t gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you
yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh

I don’t wanna be without my baby
I don’t wanna a broken heart
Don’t want to take a breath with out my baby
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way..No..No
I don’t want a broken heart
I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl..No..No..
No broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl No…no…
No broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl

I can still feel the pain and feel the blame. But, you made me realize that I can be better. If things ever go back to be the same way, or even remain the same, there will be no happiness. I had been dreaming, but now I am awake. The dream will fade one day, and I believe that I can deal with anything that comes my way.

Along the way, I will feel sad, I will be crying, I will be miserable, but I believe that I will make it. Everything will be better than before. I will mature, I will be happy, I will always understand everything you have taught me. I will be a better person you ever thought I can ever be.

Time will past, people around us may change, may be different. But I will never forget about you. I will never let myself fall.

I believe I can be happy.

Not everything that happened is my fault, everything takes 2 to clap.

Day by day, I am just floating my way through living.. too many things too many stuff.. I wish I can leave everything behind and move on to another place where everything is simple. But reality is tough, and I will make myself stronger to deal with them, instead of running from reality.

I hate year end.

Your disappearance is my bane…

Since that day, I have been sleeping with cody on the sofa in the living room… Somehow my bed just no longer seems nice anymore… I can lie in bed for 2 hours tossing and turning, without falling to sleep. But outside with Cody, it feels nice, as if she will protect me from all those things that come at night. Sparky and Cody will be the first to wake me up every morning with kisses.. Really feels good to feel the love..

————-

A decision made… Could it be overturned? In Court perhaps, through the aid of appeal, but what about normal decisions? It sux to be human… So many things to think and consider… Actually I think reality is horrid… So wish everything was like a fairy tale.. Simple and well.. just simple…

————

moved away from topic a bit.. Anyways, today I went for my skin review. Guess what! I am off the meds and just on cream to aid in exfoliation of the dead skin to let the new skin grow. Soon I will be pimple-scar free and everything will be all smooth and creamy looking for me. at least I can save money on laser (the only one good thing this week)

Kinda lame right? -,-

Maybe it’s just the blues from school and the fact that I wish to take a gap year from school. So tempting…

He focuses, I lost it…

He sleeps, I got sleepless…

He fights, I am ready to give up…

So wish I had you again…

New Blogshop domain and new shop name! Will be revamping my blogshop completely… Doing the preparations one bit at a time…

*Did I make a mistake?*

Everything is just messy!! I can’t find the right paper to review on for my BS407 written assignment which goes by the topic  ” Review a research area which utilises a model organism to discover a target one drug “. And sad to say is that I have been searching for the paper for a week now, and still nothing!! and also those words in the topic that I bold, are those that I don’t really understand.

Working at home is also not a peaceful haven as every few hours there would be an uproar of unhappiness. Haix.. I haven’t mugged properly for my other modules, though reading the lecture notes and writing small notes on them as I read is what some might call as having done my “revision”. Oh well, I just hope that I can find the paper that I need asap and start reviewing it along with many other references.